The sun comes up over Skull Island. Nigella, the token female pirate, has emerged from her slumber and is preparing to face the challenges of the day."Good morning, Jules!" she calls.
From the ground below, Bos'n Julian feels the familiar wave of comforting nausea sweep through his stomach. He wistfully takes in Nigella's intoxicating femininity and poised elegance, her unobtainability rising like bile in the lining of his gut. Today, he tells himself, he will speak to her in a civil manner without resorting to petty insults to mask his emotions.
"Oh, hello, Nigella," he fumbles, "I was just doing some of the old sit-ups; I'm getting quite the washboard stomach, if I do say so myself."
"What a coincidence," she replies, "I was just reading about Orlando Bloom's new exercise regime, Pilates of the Caribbean. Now there's a man with finely honed abdominals," she adds, dreamily.
Julian is stung by her snub. "Your seemingly insatiable lust for fatuous celebrity beefcakes never ceases to amaze me, woman," he rails, spitefully. "You're nothing but a cheap bimbo!"
As Nigella turns on her heel, Julian curses himself silently. That isn't what he meant to say at all.
Nigella huffs away to find her boyfriend, Rupert."Julian is such a bully!" she complains. "He's forever provoking me with his Neanderthal male-chauvinist balderdash."
"There, there, darling," Rupert says, awkwardly. "Just ignore Jules; he's a rather unreconstructed sort of chap. Why don't you forget all about it by making me some breakfast?"
Nigella exits despairingly.
Meanwhile, Commander Barnes and Lieutenant Sanders are on duty at the Governor's bastion, located on a tiny island in the middle of nowhere. From the top of the tower, they survey the gently oscillating surface of the surrounding ocean."Pff," exhales Barnes, despondently. "This is phenomenally boring."
"Dull," Sanders concurs.
Barnes tosses a pebble into the water.
Plop.
Seconds scrape by.
"Nuts to this," announces Sanders. "Let's borrow the Blue Lady and find us some action!"
"What a capital scheme!" says Barnes. "Let me just do one more throw."
Hush descends.
Plop.
"All right, let's go!"
Barnes is exhilarated by the sensation of wind in his beard as the Governor's powerful ship scythes effortlessly through the waves."This is splendid, Sanders!" he cries. "We're really zipping along!"
"You think this is good?" asks the Lieutenant, sarcastically. "Watch me do a doughnut!"
Sanders spins the wheel gleefully, leaning the Blue Lady into a tight arc. He's making screeching skiddy-tyre noises with his mouth while he does so.
Just then, a loud crack from above interrupts the fun.
"Cripes!" wails Sanders. "We've gone and broken the mast! We're done for!"The Commander is quick to offer reassurance. "It can't be as bad as all that, can it?" he says.
Sanders describes the fate that befell the last person to put a scratch on the Governor's ship.
"Well, that's certainly an inventive use for a trouser-press," muses Barnes, "but I'm sure the Governor won't be so harsh with us; we're competent and favoured employees."
There is a pregnant pause.
"Hmm," concedes Barnes; "we're in a pickle, all right. Let's go up and inspect the damage; perhaps we can patch the old girl up with a spot of duct tape."
So the two men ascend the rigging."Oh, dear," sighs Barnes, peering under the collapsed sail. "It really is a bit jiggered, isn't it?"
Sanders begins to sob quietly. "Nobody can help us now," he blubs.
"Don't be sad, Sanders," says Barnes. "What about the pirates who live near here? They seem like a friendly bunch."
The Lieutenant lifts his tear-stained face slightly from his hands. "Pirates?" he snuffles. "But I hate pirates!"
Barnes adopts a stoical expression. "Then I suppose we'll just have to accept the consequences of our irresponsible actions," he concludes.
Despite their predicament, both men fall about laughing at this ridiculous suggestion.
"To Skull Island!" cries Sanders.
Some time later, the stricken ship limps up to the shore of the pirates' base, where she's greeted by Rupert and Nigella."Bloody pirates," mutters Sanders, sulkily. "I hate 'em."
"Then perhaps you'd better let me do the talking," suggests Barnes. He calmly explains the situation to Nigella, taking care to play down his own culpability.
"Oh, what a horrid muddle!" she says. "The Governor can be dreadfully unkind when he's in a temper."
"I'll say!" agrees Rupert, subconsciously fingering his eyepatch. "Never play Ker-Plunk with him, that's my advice."
"So, will you help us or not, you sickening sea-faring swine?" demands Sanders.
Nigella smiles. "Oh, I daresay we can come up with something."
After a bit of head-scratching, the pirates erect a makeshift crane. Nigella is on hammering duties, while Julian, Rupert and Geoffrey prepare to hoist the pole back to a vertical position.Julian admires Nigella from afar as she athletically climbs the rigging.
"Heave-ho, eh, chaps?" says Rupert.
The three pirates pull on the rope, and sure enough, the mast is gradually rendered upright.
"Hurrah!" cheers Barnes as he guides the post into place. "What do you think of pirates now, Lieutenant Sanders?"
Sanders folds his arms and pouts. Ooh, he really hates pirates.
Nigella sets to work nailing the mast back into place while her manly companions hold the rope taut."Golly, Jules," taunts Rupert, "you're not too shabby at this considering how long it's been since you last pulled!" He chuckles: "Pulled! Do you get it, Geoff?"
Geoffrey does not give the impression of being incapacitated by hilarity. Julian is even less amused.
"Blast it, Rupert!" he shouts. "I am perfectly happy being a bachelor, and your hurtful comments do not upset me in the slightest."
To demonstrate how upset he isn't, he turns around and biffs Rupert squarely in the nose, sending him reeling. Without their counterbalancing contributions, the tension in the rope yanks Geoffrey off his feet and into the air at some speed.
Rupert and Julian are too embroiled in fisticuffs to notice. "I'd rather be single than saddled with your air-headed other half," fibs Julian.
"You'll pay dearly for that remark, you bounder!" cries Rupert, swinging wildly.
Over on the Blue Lady, Nigella taps the final rivets into place."Thanks awfully, Nigella," says Commander Barnes. "We're forever in your debt."
The pirates' battle cries can be heard emanating from Skull Island.
"Goodness, it sounds as if there's a bit of kerfuffle amongst your boys," remarks Barnes. "Perhaps we'll just leave quietly, eh?"
"That might be best," agrees Nigella. "See you later, you two." She blows them both a kiss as she disembarks.
"Lousy plundering pirates," grumbles Sanders, unreasonably.
Upon her return, Nigella has to pick her way through Julian and Rupert's skirmish, which has by now escalated to include much brandishing of cutlasses."What is going on here?" she enquires.
"I'm defending your honour, my sweet!" declares Rupert, between the clashing of swords.
"Oh, how gallant," sighs Nigella. "Well, I'm off to bed. Good night, chaps."
"Good night, Nigella," they meekly reply. "Now taste my steel, you ignominious cad!" adds Julian, returning to the fight.
"Good night, Geoffrey," Nigella calls.
Geoffrey, in his inverted state, has passed out due to a rush of blood to the head.
"Gosh, that's an interesting position Geoff," she remarks. "Have you been watching Orlando Bloom's work-out video, too?"
