Rupert and Geoffrey, the pirates, have set up a camp on a tiny island. They've hoisted a flag and everything. "I shall name this place Pirate Isle!" proclaims Rupert. Geoffrey is impressed by his companion's originality."I say," ponders Rupert, "how about we christen our new hideout with a celebratory one-gun salute from this cannon? We lugged the bally thing all the way over here, so we might as well give her a test-drive."
Geoffrey offers his tentative support to this suggestion.
After some faffing with cannonballs and gunpowder, the two pals aim the old cannon out to sea."Right-ho, Geoffrey!" chirps Rupert. "Let's see what this old girl can do!"
Geoffrey lights the fuse, and moments later the cannon discharges dramatically. The pirates follow the arcing path of the cannonball as it disappears towards the horizon.
After a few moments, they hear a distant crunch.
Rupert peers through his telescope. "Bother!" he exclaims. "We've only gone and hit the Governor's ship. That was a spot of bad luck, eh?"The Governor does not look at all pleased.
The ship is called The Blue Lady. On board, the Governor calls a meeting with his second-in-command, Lieutenant Sanders."We're under attack from an unknown adversary, Sanders," explains the Governor, "but I wouldn't be surprised if Cap'n Smythe and his band of rowdy pirates had a hand in it. I think we'll pay them a little visit."
"Good idea, Governor!" agrees Sanders, nodding enthusiastically. "I hate those swarthy sea-scum. Hate 'em!"
In the meantime, Cap'n Smythe and Bos'n Julian are at home on Skull Island, discussing matters of piratical import. They are oblivious to the trouble that Rupert and Geoffrey have caused.But not for long.
"My dear fellow," says Julian, "isn't that the Governor's ship heading our way?"
"Indeed it is," confirms Smythe. "Perhaps he's come to return the Soda Stream I lent him for his Christmas party."
It soon becomes clear, however, that the Governor has more pressing concerns than Smythe's carbonated drinks-maker."Right!" he shouts, coming ashore. "Somebody's been taking pot-shots at my beloved vessel, and I want some answers. I couldn't help noticing that you have a cannon over there; been firing it off lately?"
"That old thing?" retorts Smythe. "We just keep it for decoration, really. Maintaining our fearsome reputation, that sort of thing."
The Governor is not convinced. "Decoration, indeed!" he thunders. "Your transparent fibbing is a virtual admission of guilt." He turns to his Lieutenant. "Sanders! Let's gather some compensation. What's in this treasure chest?"
"A-ha!" exclaims the Governor, triumphantly. "Just as I suspected: it's treasure.""Now steady on, old fruit," interjects Smythe, "you can't just go around repossessing people's booty on the strength of circumstantial evidence. You're officers of the law."
"Just watch us, one-eye!" snarls Sanders, relishing the confrontation. "And one-hand and one-leg, of course," he adds, not wishing to appear to discriminate between Smythe's various unfortunate anatomical deficiencies.
At this moment, Nigella appears on the balcony. "What's all this noise about?" she enquires. "I'm trying read Heat magazine, and you're making it jolly difficult for me to summon the necessary concentration."
Smythe explains the situation to Nigella. She is enraged.
Smythe explains the situation to Nigella. She is enraged.
"What utter rot!" she fumes. "That cannon is purely decorative; I read in Grazia that Charlize Theron has one in her hallway, and I just thought it was a splendidly chic idea. The wretched thing was deactivated years ago."
Sanders and the Governor look a little sheepish. "Well, if you didn't put a hole in the side of my Blue Lady, who the devil did?"
In a display of impeccable timing, Rupert and Geoffrey arrive back at Skull Island."What-ho, all!" says Rupert. "What's going on; are we having drinkies?"
"No, we most certainly are not," huffs the Governor, irritably. "We're trying to discover who's been firing off cannons left, right and centre."
"Ah, yes," stutters Rupert, remembering his earlier mishap; "cannons." He confesses all.
"Awfully sorry, old chap; you can see it was just terribly unfortunate, really."
"Bah!" snorts Sanders. "There's no such thing as accidents. You two are coming with us for six months hard labour." The Governor's crew manhandle the pair of pirates on to the ship.
"Oh, cheerio, chaps," smiles Nigella, absently.
So Rupert and Geoffrey find themselves on the receiving end of the penal system once more."This is a blessed nuisance, eh, Geoffrey?" remarks Rupert. Geoffrey stares blankly into the middle distance.
Lieutenant Sanders proposes a toast. "To pirates!" he cheers. "I bloody hate 'em!"
The Governor raises a goblet of cola to lips, fresh from the Soda Stream. "Cheers!" he cries.
Back on Skull Island, Smythe, Julian and Nigella reflect on the day."Terrible shame about Rupe and Geoff," muses Julian; "but at least we didn't have to give up our treasure."
"Quite so," agrees Smythe.
"Anybody fancy a quick bit of conga?" asks Nigella.
Silly question.
