Robin, Azeem and Duncan roamed across the forest, and came upon a shallow river. Robin had started to wade across when he was knocked to the floor by a concealed rope.'Oi!' shouted a young man from the undergrowth on the other side. 'If you want to cross this river, rich boy, you're going to have to pay us some taxes!'
Robin was taken aback. 'Taxes? I'd like to help you out, but as you can see, I have nothing.'
'Baallaacks!' bellowed a robust gentleman in a fine Midlands-by-way-of-Dorset accent. 'Any man 'oo travels with two servants and claims to 'ave nothing is either a fool or a liar!'
'He's a liar!' jeered the other men who had suddenly appeared.
'My name's John Little,' said the man, 'and if you taaspaats want to craass this 'ere river, it's going to caast you that pendant.'
The pendant in question had belonged to Robin's father, and he was in no mood to give it away.
'If you want it, you'll have to fight me for it,' he said.
'Glaadly!' roared John.
And so, Robin found himself lured into yet more violent conduct. John Little proved a worthy opponent, but Robin eventually got the better of him by cracking him in the nuts from behind with a big stick, in accordance with the Queensbury Rules.
'What's your name, me old cocker?' Little John squeaked.
'Robin of Locksley,' said Robin of Locksley. 'But I'm not posh or anything.'
'Well, Robin of Locksley, you've got baaalls of saalid raak!'
Much cheering ensued.
Having won the respect of the woodsmen, the three travellers were invited back to the secret Sherwood hideout.'Why do you all live in the forest, anyway?' asked Robin. There are some really nice new wattle and daub shacks coming up on the outskirts of town, and they're very reasonably priced.'
'The Sheriff drove us out of our 'omes,' said John. 'He killed our aanimals, and gave suggestive glaances to our sisters. We 'ad no choice but to leave, and there's nothing we can do about it.'
'You could always fight back,' Robin suggested, tentatively.
'Fight back?' mocked the feisty Will Scarlett, wearing fetching red trousers. 'Against armoured men on horseback, using twigs and stinging nettles? Ha ha ha! You're mad, you are!'
'That's not the right attitude. Look, I'll be your leader, and Azeem and I will teach you how to seriously mess people up. It'll be fun; what do you say?'
'That's the stupidest thing oi've ever 'eard,' replied John. 'When do we start?'
Will stormed off in a huff. What was his problem?
Before long, the men of Sherwood Forest were accomplished fighters, archers and plunderers. Robin could even split an arrow in half with a second arrow from long range, cementing his mythical status among the men.The Merrie Men regularly ambushed wealthy travellers and relieved them of their material possessions. They discovered that the Sheriff was stockpiling cash to bribe King Richard's supporters to turn against him, and the arboreal outlaws were seriously disrupting his scheme. Things were going well.
Robin had a question for his Moorish friend. 'Azeem, how do you feel about this whole 'robbing from the rich, giving to the poor' scheme?'
'Well,' replied Azeem, 'Allah is generally opposed to theft of any type, but I suppose we are providing a valuable service. When in Rome, and all that.'
Robin was pleased. 'Sacrificing your principles for reasons of expediency, eh? We'll make a Westerner of you yet!'
One day, two of Robin's men burst out of the trees to demand a 'donation' from Marian and her maid, Sarah. However, they hadn't reckoned on Marian's skills with a sword, and found themselves being somewhat humiliated. 'I demand that you take me to see this 'Robin Hood'', said Marian, calmly.
'Yes, ma'am!' said the men, loyal to the last.
The group arrived to find Robin bathing naked in a lake. Despite herself, Marian found herself smiling appreciatively at his lithe figure.'Ooh, don't look at that, m'lady!' chirped Sarah. Marian didn't respond; she was in a little romantic world of her own.
After getting dressed, Robin took Marian to survey his lair. Gold and valuable trinkets were strewn around liberally.Marian was appalled. 'Is that why you brought me here: to gloat?'
'No, of course not!' said Robin, clearly hurt. 'I brought you here to cop a quick feel. But the money's pretty attractive too, I suppose. We're only stealing it to scupper Nottingham's plans; it all gets channelled back into the community. We're not keeping it or anything.'
When it was time for her to leave, Robin had a couple of favours to ask of Marian.'The first thing is, can you take Duncan off our hands? He's no good at archery for some reason, and he'll be better off in the company of women. There's absolutely no chance whatsoever that he'll be able to do anything to compromise the security of our camp if we send him to live with you.
'Secondly, would you mind writing to your cousin, King Richard, and telling him what the Sheriff is up to? He'll listen to you.'
'I don't know,' said Marian, dubiously. 'That would be a pretty risky thing for me to do.'
'Will you do it for your king?'
'No,' she said. Robin looked crestfallen. 'But I'd do it for you.'
Bingo! Robin stopped listening at this point. His luck was clearly in.
Marian continued, 'I'll give the letter to that nice priest who's always saying how great the Sheriff is. You know: the one who called your Dad a devil-worshipper.'
'Yeah, great,' muttered Robin. 'Whatever.'
At the castle, the Sheriff was becoming increasingly agitated. He'd had to kill his own cousin, Guy, for his incompetence, and Robin Hood was miles ahead of him in the popularity survey that he'd just conducted among the peasants. He went to discuss his problems with Mortianna.'How are we going to defeat this posse of tree-dwelling twits when the public love them so much?' asked the Sheriff, vexedly.
'Kill them! Kill them all! The painted man!' screeched the witch.
'Yes, we've established that. But how are we going to catch them?'
'There is one who would betray us!'
The Sherriff's interest had been piqued. 'Who?' he demanded.
Just then, the corrupt priest burst in, carrying Marian's incriminating letter.
'Well, well,' leered the Sheriff, inspecting the document. 'It's always the pretty ones you have to watch, isn't it?'
That night, the Sheriff conducted a raid on Marian's lodge, and dragged her back to his castle.'It seems that you've been plotting against me, my lovely,' sneered the Sheriff.
Marian played it cool. 'Where did you hear of such lies?'
'By your own hand, my dear,' replied the Sheriff, calmly producing the letter.
'Bah,' said Marian; 'my faith in organised religion is rapidly diminishing.'
After the Sheriff had galloped away with the girls, Duncan emerged from the house, wondering why nobody had invited him along. 'Oh, well,' he thought; 'no harm in getting on the world's most intelligent horse and riding back to the forest to warn Robin. What could possibly go wrong?'
'You'll be my eyes tonight, Dobbin' he said, to the horse.
'Neigh!' said the horse, by which he meant, 'I implicitly understand your intentions and will lead you back to a place that I haven't been to for several weeks, through the woods, in the middle of the night, because I am Dobbin the Wonder-Horse, and I am great, me'.
'Good boy!' said Duncan. A touch condescendingly, Dobbin felt.
Sure enough, Dobbin found the hideout.'Master Robin!' blurted Duncan. 'The Sheriff has taken Marian, and he knows all about that letter you made her write. Do something!'
'That's the last straw!' said Robin. 'Fortunately, the Sheriff still doesn't know where our secret base is, so we've got some time and resources to formulate a foolproof rescue plan.'
'Er, Robin,' said Will. 'You might want to look over there...'
On the horizon, an army of soldiers led by the Sheriff had mounted.'Oh, bugger,' said Robin, in classically understated British comedy style.
'That old fool led them straight to us,' deduced Will, looking daggers at Duncan, upon whom the gesture was somewhat wasted.
'Neigh!' brayed Dobbin, who was kicking himself for not having seen through the Sheriff's obvious-in-retrospect ruse.
'Right everyone,' cried Robin, 'this is what all the training has been for. Head to the trees!'
'But Robin,' interjected Will, witheringly, 'they've brought fire. This whole place is made of wood. We're completely boned, and it's basically all your fault.'
'Um, to the trees!' repeated Robin, for want of any better ideas.
Of course, a tree is not the best place to be when the forest is on fire. As the battles and the flames raged, Robin swung around looking heroic, but eventually fell to the ground from a great height. The Sheriff's goons collected his precious pendant, and captured many of the men, but nobody knew for certain whether Robin of the Hood was still alive. To be continued... (click here for Part III)
